I'm not talking weird S&M stuff. At least, I don't think so.
Finally got opportunity to play two real games.
My goal was to force myself to:
1) Play conservatively, try to keep groups strong and stable.
2) Focus on territory, and not get distracted by the fighting.
3) Take time to think out moves, and not play reactively.
I kept this up ok for a little while, but then got back into old habits. I think. I honestly wasn't focused enough to even tell, so I clearly did not do well. I did better with this on the first game.
The first was against a 16k guy, and we seemed fairly evenly matched at first. I was focusing on making territory, and doing a fairly good job. We finally got into some fighting and I lost the upper right corner! On one of the same bonehead unsecured tail thingies that I lost the last few games with. So I'm feeling like I'm losing, although even with that corner gone I had plenty of territory.
Then something amazing happens. I start killing large groups. Not once, not twice, but THREE times. Killed a big center group, then two separate corners. Not due to my tactical brilliance, but due to blunders on the opponents part and my maintaining at least enough competence to take advantage of them.
A couple of really fun kills too -- why is that so fun? Dunno. Oh, and half of my decimated corner ended up making tiny life. So, fun.
I got cocky and decided to try to up my rank and play someone higher (besides, no one my rank had an open game). I played a 9k guy and got a 6 stone handicap.
I felt like I had already won.
How could I lose?
All I had to do is play conservative and safe, and victory should be assured.
I'm not sure what happened, but something definitely went 'tits up'. I'll have to go back and analyze this game when I have time (you always learn the most from losing to stronger players!).